Admitted, yes, it was my own mistake, my own choice to go this far, to take on so many things at one given time but then again I need to say I am happy I did this.Am I masochistic? I don’t know. Maybe a bit. But no seriously, sometimes you have sacrifice something to get the thing you want. So that’s what I did. I sacrificed at least 50% of the normal time an adult needs to stay sane and healthy to push forward with everything. Maybe, this is something you would not do. But maybe I needed to explore that room for me. To know how it feels, and to try to keep up with everything, even though you really feel like a walking in a bubble. That feeling of being drugged was with me a lot of the time. And no, I wasn’t on drugs, I was just sleep deprived. But of course, my body has limits too… So, with limited energy, I am feeling kind of burnt out but also happy that I finished a good run. Now I can sit back and I can really feel the strain.
Thinking of which, I guess you need to be a tad masochist to enjoy all of this. So, maybe that’s something I wanted to explore too. But the limit’s reached now. I can’t go on like that or I will just die. I might wrap my car around a tree or just become seriously ill so I stop right here and now.
I just want to sit here, do nothing at all, stare at a palm tree, do fuck all really and nothing else matters to me now. I need to put my foot on the brake and cool myself down a little. Or decompress – like a diver…

Ibiza is like that. It will give you tasks, and these tasks are like riddles, they are enigmatic, and you need to find the key and the whole where to stick the key… and the fun part is that some of these tasks will be damn hard to fulfil and some others will be thrown in for fun, and still, it is your own choice which ones you go for and which ones you leave. Since I always had a tendency to say YES pretty easily, maybe I did learn my lesson this time around. I did a lot, but I did not do everything. And that is something I needed to learn. Make choices. Narrow down what you want to do in order for you to focus on the stuff you really want to push forward. I hope I made the right choices, but deep down in me, I guess I did well.

However, it was right, yes, but physically, I burned the candle at two ends I guess. However, the good side of things is that May has been a very productve month for me. I mean, when you hardly sleep more than 3 or 4 hours per night, there is gotta be something that you’re doing. For me, it was – apart from learning Catalan, listening to my fave music and just being busy with my bread job and some extra translation jobs I had taken on – writing. Writing I would mostly in the hours between midnight and 3 am, sometimes even 4 am.

There is a little bit of self-destruction here you might say but I say no, there was simply no other method I could have done this with. Now, I seriously will try to downshift and sleep properly cos seriously, I feel drugged right now. A friend of mine, Sedat, said “sure you do.” I wanted to know why and a friend of mine (a psychologist) explained to me that this is due to the flooding of your system with all the stress hormones. So not recommended for long time use. He also told me that sleep deprivation is a nice torture method to really break people. I don’t know. I guess I pushed my limit quite hard. In between I felt extremely fragile and kind of lost.

So why on earth did I do this to me? you might wonder. I want to find out more about myself, about the protagonist, I am doing this to myself to get to the core of things. I want to continue writing that short novel. I really die to write. Now that I have started and the character has become alive and starts to unfold the story and his life, I can’t stop here, things are getting more and more interesting. I need to take him by the hand and guide him through the different scenes. Like I said… I feel drugged… or I am drugged by the sleep deprivation.  

This might sound a little bit weird, but I did have a creative awakening through which I now feel re-charged as a writer again. I feel ready again to write.. I feel that my voice has returned.. This has not happened to me in years, so I am quite happy it happened. So, anyway, I more or less write every other day, sometimes every fourth day, sometimes the stuff is so bad, I immediately get rid of it. The story is there. It is in my head, but I need to get it out there, off my chest, and survive the process of writing it, re-living parts of what happened, and also being reminded of the past which is sometimes the most cruel part of all.

Since this is basically stuff that has autobiographical fingerprints all over it, the most important to me seems to be to keep the distance and not allow the story to take control, but simply try to turn it into something beautiful. Something that people might wanna read, or see it on stage or in a movie.

I guess it started with a simple short story I wanted to write in the tradition of the cinema noir (film noir) and of course this was my very first piece I would write in Catalan. Maybe that was a very good choice. Since I normally tend to write large and sometimes heavily structured phrases, and Catalan being another second language for me, I had to use Ockham’s razor and be kind of brash, kind of short in terms, and precise and cold hearted when it comes to explanations. And that of course was a good choice in creating atmosphere. But I must say, I did not really did it on purpose the first time. When I got the frist critiques on this piece, I was surprised that both people I had sent this too, commented on the strong imagery and also on the film noir thing which seemed to go nicely with the story plot I had started.

So I tried to pick up where I had left and tried to write more. I wrote a second and a third piece. Now I think, I have written 7 pieces in one month or so which is a lot when you think that I was under a lot of strain and trying to prepare myself for the exam, doing two other jobs at the same time. Now, I guess I had reached a point where I needed to work more on a structure / squeleton of the plot and then go back to write more. I have done the plotting. Now the rest of the tale must be told. I will start to go back to writing now.

Anyway, I feel blessed that I got this piece on the way. Now… I need stamina and more energy to continue and get something finished. As long as it is written before the summer ends I will be happy.

Also met this German chap, Oliver Janssen, a couple of days ago. He does black and white art photography of Ibiza – I saw his pictures he called DARK VILA and I immediately felt there was a connection, so I got in touch with him. I am trying to get some exhibition together, maybe with my english poems from the nineties, maybe with two or three short stories in between. That also just started now. Wonder what will come of it. But slightly optimistic here. His photos seem the right fit for my stories and vice versa. He does not live on the island, but he is like me, in the way that he does not see himself as an artist but as someone who likes doing what he is doing. So, we found some common ground here. I mean it does not have to be super well known or huge. It would be nice if people took notice and started to perceive me. As of now, I just want to test the water. I want people to come and see my work, see their reaction. Oliver has not read any of my stuff since this is early days but I guess we kind of complement each other. And that is one thing that actually helps when you are doing a joint exhibition.

Then I was visitor at the RUTA DEL ARTE in Santa Eularia this week. Nice stuff really. Shame that so few people tend to go there as some of the artists are really good but then, this is Ibiza for you. I also took some pictures there which I will try to upload later on.

The last class of our C1 Catalan was today, a pity this is over. Feel kind of funny, a bit foolish and juvenile like school is over and you know that you have to wait until you see your mates again. That was pretty good fun, especially towards the end. I will miss them for sure. Fina, Felix, Dona, Nuria, Abdullah, Ines, Carmen, and of course the subtle dark horse Toni our teacher. It feels weird to say good-bye now. But then again, I am sure I will see at least some of the people here and there. I do hope this will be the case.

To end this blog entry, I wanted to place a nice quotation but the truth is that I did not find any suitable quote for this. So I will say it like this. Here is to Eliot – il miglior fabbro.

Teach us to care and not to care / Teach us to sit still. (T.S.Eliot)

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. (T.S. Eliot)

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