Tag Archive: heat


August ending

Another month gone by. Tomorrow, everyone will rip off the August of their calendar like it had never been there.

August to me is a conglomerate of the following expressions or words:

beach – salt on your skin – smells of suntan lotion – switching on the air con – wearing flipflops and no other shoes – drinking a lot – balmy nights – too many tourists cruising around – the 3 trays of icecubes in the freezer and still not being enough – listening to tracks on the radio cos you left the cds upstairs – reading a lot of rubbish – being somewhat distracted – having a cold shower – loving menthol in bodylotion – being lazy like everyone else

When I thought writing was just a hobby, life was a little easier. I must admit that. Now that I started to take things more seriously and try to be tidy, try to be focussed, no that I started and try to do my best, I sometimes catch myself cursing my own wish for perfection.

To be honest, I have no clue whatsoever when I will be ready with all of it. Ready writing it, re-writing stuff, ready revising it and ready to send it to somebody else so they can read it … and maybe crush my innermost hope that they will find it cool. But I hope it will be worth the trouble. I sometimes think that my mind does not work as well when it is hot outside. So, better days should come now.

Hope is the last thing we ever lose.

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So, dear imaginary or real reader, it is almost been another month. I cannot quite believe it although it is true. When I think about it, it does not seem so absurd at all. I have been trying to relax in the past four weeks, taking a break from the maddening stress around me. Whether I succeeded or not I dare not consider properly, I do think I managed to slow down a bit which was so needed. But then again, the process of Thinking includes and sets free again different thinking. Thinking again … well you know. It is a vicious circle. Whenever you have time on your time, this sets you onto the trail of exploring who you are and who you want to be. This is the mental jogging I like. Technically speaking, I suppose I could relax, or at least try. School´s over for summer since two weeks now. My summer flu is still holding me down, it´s been with me now since mid June which is the longest summer flu I suppose I ever had. With all the intense heat, air con in each and every supermarket, and the cars, the sweating and the cool breeze of fresh air just to lower your body temperature does not really help much. I never went to the doctor´s cos it is just a cold after all.

But I can say this much. I tried to reconnect with a lot of people. I wrote to a couple of friends some snail mail letters to see how they are doing, to get back in touch, to kind of feel myself again, I enjoyed the company of my family without having to rush around all over the island, without excel spreadsheets everywhere I go and so on, and so forth. I am kind of relieved now. There is still some paperwork to do. But apart from that, I can now take a deep breath and try to figure out what´s up next.

Something that could come up next is something I do not want to talk about. So I shan´t.

Apart from that, I have a couple of new and fresh ideas inside my head which is a good change. My body seems reluctant to go straight back to the daily grind and does not cooperate really. My body tells me that I need a vacation. I still feel like 100 years old, and my nose has been clogged up and full with sneeze and snottle coming out of my nose it is hard to believe that I am not 2 years old but 40 instead. Well. Maybe I am in the middle of some purgation process without even knowing it. If the green stuff is the bad stuff then I am quite happy that it comes out instead of staying inside.

In between, my youngest daughter Sophia has had some small but bad infection of a pore with an atheroma on her thigh why we had to go four or five times to the pediatrician and have it looked at. After two different antibiotic treatments, and two different creams, the infection was under control and now the little wound seems to heal alright. But it kept us busy the last 9 days or so.

Katharina was reading steadily the first book I gave her, it was A MITJA NIT (in the middle of the night). I gave her the task to read and then write up a small synopsis of the book. I was surprised: It depicts all the animals in the wood some of which stay up all night and it is a metaphor that at night, one should sleep and leave the problems be in order to wake up refreshed and not to constantly think about problems. Thinking about it now, maybe I should read this book instead.  😉

Now, she is reading two books: “Club de las mariposas”, and “una germana com la Dani”. Yesterday, Katharina told me that now she will also start writing a book just like me. That was actually quite amazing. She even has a title already: “is the heart the solution?” I think it sounds very cool and very modern. Maybe she will turn to be a writer like me. 🙂

So, now it is time to look backwards to catch a glimpse of what´s been in the past four weeks:

On the 7th of June I had minor surgery, a polyp was removed from the uterus. It was discovered when I had my last ultrasound check up. I am glad that they caught it. Everything went well. I am happy with the outcome. Berno took me straight away back home. A couple of days I was still worried about the outcome of the histologic results but everything was ok. Thank Godess.

The end of June was also important  in some other way. I had the conversation which I had waited for with someone I needed to speak to, and the talk was ok, no more, no less. It is a bit like a treuce. It was not opening any new paths, but I believe in fair play, and that is what counts in the end. At the moment, I cannot say anything what is bound to happen or not to happen but it seems to be an agreeable status quo.

The week before that, the kids got their reports from school and the recommendation for Katharina was clear enough, read, read, improve her calligraphy, and also her attention towards the teacher. She is so easily and so often distracted. So I gave her a couple of books to read, one of which she already finished reading. The handwriting we will also work on, and multiplication tables and so on.

As for Sophia, she will have to learn to read and write in first class, but she already knows most of them anyway. For the writing part, I bought both of them a little blackboard. They love using it. One thing which is extremely funny is that she is using the Spanish alphabet and phonetic transcription to write up texts in German. That is really funny and it can prove trickier than it may look at first sight, but mostly I get it what she is writing.

Ok, apart from that, I cannot think of anything memorable to think about. Oh yes, maybe, there was some encounter which upset me a little because I was not able to verbalise my anger and therefore was just too stupified to react. Then I noticed that I don´t need to be angry at this person nor at myself. I should just do things differently when another situation like that pops up again.

A lot of my nights did not start until 3 am and which is why I am writing consciously in the afternoon today. I am sure that my whole life needs a bit more structure and less distraction. Up until now, I was merely trying to survive but I noticed lately that I want to truly life and enjoy myself and the people around me as we go along. Maybe, it is time to finally take up more responsibility for the protection of the self. And not immerse oneself again and again in the problems and everyday chores, and the things one cannot change. Well, I will try and be more focussed and also not be distracted so easily.

My aim now is to also write a book myself and get it published so I will need to write and get an agent to get things started. That I was longing to do a long long time ago but somehow we fail to do the things we love the most. But now it made click, I feel extremely released and now I feel the urge and the right energy to start and follow through with it. Maybe these ten weeks school holidays are the ideal time frame to get things underway. My working title is “Why on earth Ibiza?”

Oh, ok, there is one thing I did not mention. I feel a little ashamed to tell because this is modern day and I suppose it does not go well my ultra modern behaviour and my nihilistic stance I sometimes opt for to pretend having no belief at all, but I have been speaking to an astrologer, no, really, and I had a little request as to how the next 12 months will shape up for me, how things will generally speaking look for me. The answer took almost 14 days but it was very clear cut and very definite, the next 12 months will prove to be successful but this answer is based on the fulfillment of a couple of cosmic tasks, that involves discipline, focus, being determined and also finding the one purpose that I am burning for.  The universe does not like slackers I guess. So focussing, being on the job, being determined and getting things done is exactly what I am trying to do right now.

Another book project together with somebody else will eventually pop up and come my way but for the time being, I am concentrating on telling my own story and getting my kicks from writing, from making time lines, writing the first drafts and being involved in creation again. That is where my heart is beating like fuck.

This is my pursuit of happiness. This is my life. This is me.

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